I've decided to cut back on my drinking almost completely. I say almost because I occasionally get roped into "grabbing a drink" with someone like tonight when I told my friend I am nauseated and have to wake up at 4 AM to go to PR. Apparently that is not her problem. Ugh I swear some people (well all people that I know) are so damn selfish. It takes me an hour to get home and the trains don't run very often after 10 PM (damn G train) So whatever. But drinking really is not good for me at all. I go over board and don't do any homework or anything. I order food instead of going grocery shopping. I get fat and lazy, I become a slob, I fall in the street and knock out my teeth, I get sad or angry or apathetic. It's not in my best interest. I feel better when i don't and I can feel myself slipping to a very dark and dangerous place.
I also realized that my whole friendship with B was based upon drinking and smoking weed (which I also want to quit. It wastes money and makes me eat too much). We were NEVER sober. Like never. One day that we were it was awkward and terrible. I realize that my "friendship" with him was toxic and unhealthy. He claimed he didn't need a friend who always needed to be shitfaced to hang out with him. I called him on the fact HE was the one who always insisted on being drunk or high and that I often tried to decline. He then immediately said he was self medicating. OK so whatever, first of all, stop fucking lying asshole. And second of all, perhaps it was him who needed to be shitfaced to be around me? That sucks.
All of his friends are drunks or potheads. I actually WANT to be healthy and to improve my life. He complained about a lack of sleep so his doctor gave him sleeping pills. The only warning was to not drink while taking them. He couldn't do it! He could not go one day without a drink just to even see if they worked. That is not the life I want for myself.
I have been drinking alone a lot. I poured out my half bottle of Wild Turkey. I felt like I was lifting a weight off of my shoulders. I want to make the rest of my year and my life a good one.
I have tons of school work to do but I plan to get a lot done this weekend. I will be alone in PR and I won't have a car so what the fuck, might as well get some work done I guess.
I want my life to be better than this. I don't want to be disappointed anymore.
It's funny that so many of my former friends are just like my dad, unreliable, dedicated to drinking and having fun, selfish, cheaters, liars, people who equate money with love. All the things I hate about my dad but he's my father so I love him. I didn't choose him but he actual literally chose me. So I will focus on ridding myself of the other negative people in my life.
6:47 p.m. - 2011-12-09
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