I have resigned myself to not getting over 6 hours of sleep for the next several weeks (until I go home for Christmas). I go to be at 12 or later and never get to sleep before 1 AM and wake up at 7 to do more work. I go, go, go all day and get home at 10 or later. Then I try to do some work or just unwind and it's back up again.
I did the quintessential walking in the rain listening to Amy Winehouse and "Everybody Hurts" (they are randomly next to each other on my playlist. And I figured if I was going to cry about lost friends, that would have been the time to do it.
Nothing.
Like NOTHING,
Am I heartless? I don't think so. I was just really unhappy knowing these people. I spent so much time unhappy. And now I feel better even if I am alone. And I got to say the honest truth about the kind of person he is. The constant racial cracks about Mexicans. Black people, Puerto Ricans. Anyone non-WASPY. Talking shit about straight people, girls (breeders, cunts). I remember the day I told him my salary was cut by 15% and the cancelled the pension plan that I was finally going to be eligible for. He said his company stopped matching funds so obviously that was just the same. I calmly told him it was not and he got pissy. He hates all poor people and thinks his money entitles him to better treatment even from me. His friends, who i also knew for 10+ years, never warmed up to me. I wasn't a fun Black chick and I wasn't a gay dude so who cares. They were always not so nice with me.
I have been drinking far too much and being unhealthy and wasting money. I do that when I get thrown off kilter. Tomorrow I will buy groceries and clean and do laundry and make my life OK again.
I wonder if I do not deserve friends. I wonder if I do not want them.
10:47 p.m. - 2011-12-07
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