I am tired of my being "smart" being held against me. I make any mistake and it's a disappointment. Everyone tries to compete with me even though I don't want it. I never hear praise. Never congratulations. It's all expected. And God forbid I'm not perfect or don't know the answer. I am mocked and pathetic and everyone hates me.
I hate myself. I should be doing so much better. I shouldn't need to sleep or eat and I should always get A's and never waste money. I know better. I should never be so pathetic. I should be married with tons of kids and everyone should love me.
How can I live in a world where everything I do is a failure. And A- is a failure. Gaining 2 pounds is a failure. Being single is a failure. Not having guys hit on me is a failure. Not getting ever proposal is a failure. I succeeded at one thing this year, NYU! And nobody gives a shit. Instead they made me feel bad. Even when I "win" I lose.
I went to class today and walked 2 miles. I have 3 weeks left of class. Well 2 after tomorrow. I have 3 assignments for one class and 3 for the other. I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I don't sleep. I'm sick. I'm depressed and I'm scared I won't make it. At least I have no urge to drink. At all.
9:36 p.m. - 2011-04-18
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