I am having a kelly real housewives of NYC breakdown/breakthrough. I'm not crazy enough to feel confident. Im just fucked up enough to try to destroy myself. I understand my friends and family are mostly awful. I know I must get away from them. But it doesn't make me feel like I'm good or ok. But after last night I know I have to make a choice. Live or die. I made it through so I have to live. I'm alone right now. I'm the only one who cares about me.
I'm scared still. I tried to drink myself to death. I figured the pills wouldn't be enough. 2 bottles of wine 7 shots 5 drinks 20 pills and no food. Sounds wimpy but I woke up covered on vomit and piss and blood. My face is bruised and my clothes tattered and torn. I still don't feel right. I was at my friends house and he yelled at me for making a mess. He watched me drink and slur and fall and cry and hate myself. He watched me get drugged before and yelled because I broke his entertainment center after being ruffied. I had to take a 2 hour bus ride home reeking of vomit and sickness with wet pants and a bloody face. He didnt care I told him I had enough. I spend my days living for others and I could not do it anymore. I said goodbye knowing that people don't care whether you live or die is heartbreaking but liberating. The years I've spent worrying and helping them means nothing to them. It's like filling a bucket with a hole.
I'm alone but I'm alive for now. Maybe I was better off purging and starving and drugging and cutting. Seeing the truth is going to kill me. I hope I make it through this. I hope I make it back to new York. I fear I will drink myself to death even on accident.
12:04 a.m. - 2011-04-17
Recent entries:
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Still alive - 2016-02-14
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