Yeah another entry. This chick who is my best friend sucks. She calls and texts me and instructs me to find her a flight to vegas on monday. Umm shut the fuck up you stupid whore bitch. NO I WILL NOT. I am not giving you money for shit and I am not your slave you piece of shit. I fucking hate her and that's why I talk shit about her kids. because she is trash. Fighting on facebook at 44 years old. Being a child. treating me like a slave. I fucking hate people.
In better news I am talking to the dude who got me freelance work before just to remind him I'm still around. I gotta keep those connections up!
I am drinking again of course. Already had a bottle of wine and bought another. Will probably have half now and half tomorrow when I work on my homework. I love drinking. More than i loved weed and coke is only good with alcohol. So alcohol always wins!
But I honeslty cannot hold my liquor anymore. Like I can drink like a fish. Drinka nything. But liquor makes me fucking crazy like last night. The Wild Turkey made me want to hurt myself and others and I passed out and couldn't remember things. Wine is OK. Beer is worthless because it NEVER gets me drunk. So wine it is. I like wine a lot.
I'm horny so I miss Omar. he tells me I'm pretty and hot a lot without me asking him. i often have to pump up his self esteem and tell him he is great in bed (he is!) It's kind of cute but exhausting.
I fgeel I've been lying in my diary because I don't tell the whole truth.
I often (always) talk to myself. Out loud in the street at home all the time. I don't know why. I can't stop. it's not the same to think inside my head. i think it's because I used to have no one to talk to so I only had me and now I can't stop. i look crazy. I am crazy I guess. I can't have my coworker drive by me talking out-loud to myself, drunk and make-upless. In my pajamas (sweats actually). Like I am sometimes.
I am not so normal and not so crazy. I have no excuse to be how I am. I wasn't molested or beaten as a child. The worst that happened was my god mother locking me in the basement and calling me a fat worthless progenant looking girl when i was 7. Everyday. She said I was pregnant with a watermelon. So I went on my first diet. Pears, white bread and crackers. White food (like white colored not white people)/ I lost weight and she told me I now looked pregnant with a cantaloupe. Progress!
So i guess that affected me a bit. ha fucking ha.
She was an alcoholic, I found this out later.
My baby-sitter would lock us in the room and leave us for hours at a time. She turned the door knobs around so we couldn't get out. But we found a key and unlocked ourselves. We were 11. That is abuse. It is. No food, no bathroom. no water. She would make our parents buy good food and she would feed it to her kids and make us eat disgusting shit. I guess that affected me too.
My mother asked why I never told her. Why? Because I knew she would do nothing. this was proven 3 years later when father tried to kill me. I was a typical teen and was dramatic. They were scolding me and I cried and said they didn't love me. i ran downstairs. he ran after me, not to comfort me. But to sit on my chest (me 140 him 250) and choke me until i saw stars. i thought I;d die. i blacked out. I beat himw ith my fists until he stopped. My neck was sore for 10 days/ I told my mom. She laughed at me and clamied I was lying. She never did anything until she caaught him cheating. then she gave a damn. My life = nothing. Her pride = everything.
I still love them both though. So much. I talked to my mom for an hour on Friday and told her what a whore his new girlfriend is and how he hates her and talks about my mom. Made her happy. i told her i knew I was spoiled and thanked her for making me love school. I kiss their asses when i call them. they don't know about the fibroids and the depression and the longing for death. The bulimia the sadness. The horror. They know nothing.
I still look pregnant, now maybe with a grapefruit. I need to prove her wrong. My own godmother. If my parents would have died it would have been me and her. God help us all if that had happened.
10:08 p.m. - 2011-02-12
Recent entries:
- - 2016-03-14
Still alive - 2016-02-14
- - 2015-11-05
- - 2015-10-02
- - 2015-09-09
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