Ugh it was a long and boring day. Got up at 2 after having missed my Chinese food by several hours. I felt mad, now I feel bad for being such a lush. Played online a bit then got on the city bus to the greyhound station. then took a 3.5 hour ride to Houston, got checked out there (hair transplant. I've been losing my hair since I was 10!) and came back. The results have been OK but I will need at least one more procedure before I look even remotely normal. I wonder why I have been losing my hair. i wish my parents had taken me to the doctor when i was younger because there has to be a medical reason for it. Oh well, it's now up to me to fix it. Probably a combo of the damn chemicals they put in it and apparently the rollers rolled too tight.
Anyway I went for a 5 minute follow-up and took the bus back another 4 hours. My phone and MP3 player died so it sucked but I am home and happier now.
I am drinking again of course. I don't feel so bad. I was drinking on the bus and I reeked of alcohol and the lady sitting next to me was disgusted. I had put it in a coke I bought. I passed out drunkenly and probably drooled and snored everywhere. But I need to keep my drunkenness to my apartment I think. As much as I love alcohol it leads to other things like sluttiness and coke and bad texts and emails.
My best friend thinks I was kidding around when I said those horrible things to her last weekend. I totally went along with it and said I was testing her baby daddy. i;m such a fucking lying bitch. The alcohol took a hold of me and I went insane. i drank and entire bottle of wine BEFORE we went out. I had 6 or 7 shots and some beers and a lot of coke. I ate nothing. I was absolutely mad.
I scare myself sometimes. But no matter what I am still trying. I wanted to die so badly yesterday. If I had any kills I would have taken them. i know this. That's why i don't even have aspirin in my house. I remember when I was a teenager I tried to OD on aspirin and I took like 17 (duh need way more than that) and all it did was make my ears ring for days and made me get drunk off of one beer. I tried to OD on other pills and nail polish remover and loition once. I thinkt he lotion just coated all the pills and made me feel better. That was the first time I purged. I remeber taking the pills and sitting down to Pizza Hut pizza with a side sald with those cherry tomatoes...I felt happy to be with my family and guilty so i went and made myself throw up the pills. It felt great. And a love affair was born.
I used to purge so much I would black out every time I stood. I lost my voice every day. I was delirious and so thin. 135 pounds. Stomach flat still because I was young and didn't drink much yet. I was smoking and purging and didn't care about my health. I felt invincible.
I carved things into my ankles so my friends could see. I made a bad ass anarchy sign and my friends envied me.
Now I am weak and little things made me break down and cry.
I do think having my coworker and his girlfriend in my neighborhood will kill me. I can't take it. All day he talks about how he'd love to see me in my inappropriate clothes that are to tight or small to wear to work, and then all of his ridiculous purple wearing nonsense and then moving by me. Why? What is going on. It makes my head hurt and makes me sad. I used to dream of him moving by me. But in those dreams he was not with her anymore and I was less crazy. Too bad I am crazier than ever and they are invading my safe zone. I have a feeling a lot of b/ping and cutting will be going on the next 6 months. I do deserve this I guess. I am a bad person so bad things happen to me.
____
Oh and yes this is so me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder
8:18 p.m. - 2011-02-12
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