I woke up this morning thinking it would be a good day. Hahaha yeah fucking right.
Got to work and found out the the preposal I had spent days and hours working on, 11 hour days I mean. And had my boss check twice still had errors in it that I spent all day fixing. Stupid shit that someone should have caught because hello, I have only been there 4 months. This is on top of the last fuck up I have on my imaginary screw-up sheet so I am thrilled of course.
Then the dude who I like at work (who I am quickly not liking because he is obnoxious got promoted. Ya for him he's been there since Sept. Got a raise in November and promoted in May. Mind you he is one of those people who always gets everything. He bragged that he knew he was awesome at baskeyball at age 7, had his first car by age 15, blah blah. he wasn't even excited that he got promoted because he says that happens to him at every job he is just so fucking awesome. Shut the fuck up douche.
He is also one of those people that I believe is laughing at me while pretending to laugh with me. I finally saw that today. He is just such a typical frat type douche bag that has everything handed to him and loves to laugh/make fun of other people. I was having a horrible day and the printer fucked up and the fax and he laughed at me. Like it made his day to see me struggle. Like we are all all here for his amusement.
And the thing is, everyone treats him as if he is the second coming. People trip over themselves to say hi to him, talk to him, ask him stupid shit. My boss makes me do extra work so he won't have to, poor little baby.
We both had orientation at the same call center with the same people a few months a part. When I went all of them asked about him. Apparently the people I was training with took him to lunch and took him to their house to smoke weed. When I had to go to lunch they left and told me to go train with someone else til they got back.
Shit like that just makes me feel more pathetic than I already do. I am nice and fairly amusing. But there is something about me that people hate. Something ingrained in my very being that makes me unworthy of friend,s or love or even fucking respect. I really wish I knew what was wrong with me. I am tired of failing and being made fun of and treated with disdain.
(And a small part of me is sad that he is going to be celebrating with his girlfriend instead of me. Ugh kill me I am so lame.)
It didn't use to be this way. I had people who respected my opinion or at least my intelligence. I do think that part of it is that I am so uncomfortable in my own body that I don't exude any confidence anymore. I used to be a "fuck you" kind of girl. Now I'm a "cry every night" kind of girl.
I was stressed again so i didn't eat. 100 calories for coffee and 70 for chips and now 500 in cheap beer. I hate not knowing how to feel but alcohol makes it all better.
8:26 p.m. - 2010-05-17
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