I've decided to read this book because I am so lame when it comes to guys and I really need to beat myself in the head that these dudes I am obsessing over have no interest in me. It is getting to be pathetic. I am going to be 30 this year and I act like a lovesick teenager, mooning over dumb little boys (no matter how old they are, they are still little boys.)
I know logically there are good guys out there that actually would want to be with me. But emotionally I cannot open myself up to find them and my self-esteem is such that I don't think Ideserve one anyway. So at the very least I want to stop liking the bad ones so I can be alone without feeling fucking depressed and hurt all the time.
After my weekend b/ping and drinking I am back up to 170 but I should be down to maybe 163 by the end of the week. I always gain like 7-10 pounds of bloating and water weight over the weekends.I fit into some old size 6's this weekend. I know those are super vanity size and they are more like a big size 8 but still. As I lose weight I can wear old clothes which means I don't have to buy new ones anymore. I am pissed that the 10's I bought 3 weeks ago are way too big and look ridiculous. Like the crotch is too long and when I put my belt on they look pleated. What the fuck super hotness right there.
Purging has gotten difficult the past weekend so I need to switch back to using soda. Water ain't cutting it anymore. I've been bulimic over half my life; it's no wonder that my body is trying to stop me form doing this. Too bad no one lese is trying to stop me. But I suppose what they don't know won't hurt them so I'll keep it that way.
8:03 a.m. - 2010-05-17
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