I had a typical weekend for me. I drank 3 bottles of wine from 8 PM Friday to 10 AM Sunday. Minus the time I spent passed out or sleeping. It was nice. I like having a continuous buzz. I even walked 1.5 miles to the store in the 85 degree Texas heat. I was proud I worked out and I figured the heat would sweat some of the alcohol out so I could drink more.
I got paid Friday so my reward was a Chinese food binge yesterday. Fried rice, vegetable spring rolls, veggie stir fry, veggie lo mein. Delicious going down and coming up. Plus Chinese food always helps with my hangovers so it was nice. Cost me $16 that I shouldn't have spent though.
Now I am taking a long bath and reading agatha christie who I love despite her love of using the word "nigger" in every story she wrote. I just remind myself that it's a sign of the times. I do love a good mystery.
I am horny. It's been 2 months since I've had sex, fuck buddy isn't coming (which I vacillate on caring about). Obviously the dude I work with is a no go because of the whole girlfriend thing. Considering the fact that she apparently works a few blocks away perhaps he should be borrowing money from her and hanging out with her instead of bothering me. I don't want to hear about how you were going to wear your purple shoes to work (my favorite color...obsessively so). I don;t want you giving me random purple things your find on your desk. I don't want you to feel comfortable telling me how fast I eat and making fun of me. You are not my friend and you haven't earned the right to make me cry.
I know guys like to have girls like me around that make them feel ten feet tall and fabulous but it is draining on me. Why am I such a sucker? It is helping me with my restricting, self loathing and external reinforcement of my low self-esteem is usually good for that. Like when my best friend's boyfriend told me I looked swollen. And he knows about my eating issues. Lovely.
Can I get to 160 by 24th? I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.
11:53 a.m. - 2010-05-16
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