What happned to the girl I knew and loved. The one who was wound up in her eating disoder. The one who never shared her feelings, who was cold and tough and didn't need or particularly want anyone? Who is this soft girl here who cries all the time and asks people to listen to her, spend time with her and care about her? Where si the girl who needed no one, needed nothing but to count calories and scurry to the bathroom after every meal? I miss her and I want to get her back.
I have never really been suicidal. Depressed, oh yes, but suicidal, not really. I've had many days where I wished God to strike me down, prayed to Him or Her with all my heart to kill me if life was going to continue on this way, but yet I am still here. I doubt God kills people just because they ask Her to anyway. I never felt the need to take the matter into my own hands until recently. I don't know whats chnaged exactly except for everything. I have no hope left. Not even the tiny reserves that say "well at least you have a roof over your head" or something along those lines. Soon I may not have a roof over my head. I have no job. No savings. I have nothing. I have no one who can help me and even my parents see that I am close to complete failure. All I do is cry. I am sick pf peopel telling me to keep trying. I'm not stupid. It;s not like I just gave up sonce I didnt find somethign the first day. Trying does not make me feel better or make things easier. It's always the poeple with the jobs who extole such meaningful advice. Apply more places, blha blah blah. I have applied for over 350 jobs. Gone on maybe 20 interviews and I have joined 3 temp agencies and still nothing. And yet people keep telling me to try harder.
Yes I'm a tad bitter, but I have a right to be so I'm going to enjoy it. I refuse to be little miss nice ane sensistive anymore. I don;t care who's feelings I hurt because right now all I can do is protect mine. I used to be a real bitch. Lashing out whenever I felt hurt or threatened. But then I matured and in the process I became weak and fragile and people began to hurt me more and more. Right now I am only looking out for number one, me and that's it.
I am going back to my ED. its been so long since I purge or restricted properly. I iss the obsession. It was osmething I knew I was good at, something no one could take from me. Control. And it hurt me just enough. I still have chest/heart pains and its been so very long. I only had 400 calories yesterday without really trying. Being depressed makes it easier. And it makes being depressed easier. If I had a scale it would be even better.
One day I will get therapy and fix all these problems of mine, but for now the problems are keeping me alive.
8:52 a.m. - 2003-07-02
Recent entries:
- - 2016-03-14
Still alive - 2016-02-14
- - 2015-11-05
- - 2015-10-02
- - 2015-09-09
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
julymalaise
usb-port
alethia
englishsucks
lisasays
moodswing
fat0free0air
cloudy-night
atwowaydream
silver4
enurta
soon
warpednormal
ecstasia
limes-sugar
hungry-hippo