I am once again amazed at my ability to update. thansk a lot diaryland you serve the people well, ugh.
i didn't hear formt he eating disorder clinic yet, but i just realized that i have been online all day. i keep forgettign that i use dial up now. i have never used dial-up in my life (ok like for 2 weeks but other than that). i am used to playing on the computer all day. so i will call again tomorrow and if no one is in i iwll leave a specific time for them to call me back and my email address again and explain thta i am online a lot.
i really would like to get help for this shit. i havent purged ina couple days because this girl is staying with me for a week and a half. but i could just start taking long baths again....i am so fucking fat. i am disgusted by myself. i must make myself fast tomotrow. at leats until sun down. i ahve sudafed AND coffee now. Woohoo. once i get started again its easy. i enjoy fasting during the day actually. i have been eatig out of boredom so i am going to the computer lab tomorrow to get out of this damn apartment. free T1 connection. woohoo!
I have been avoiding the people i usually hang out with due to increased confusion over my place within the group. i feel i am being replaced and i am starting to not care anymore. i got drunk and called last night and i was hung up on twice. inadvertantly, perhaps, but i'm not so sure. i got an email saying "noticed you called yesterday. we are going to happy hour tonight. you shoudl come." i replied i had no money and that i wouldnt be going ot the new girl's b-day festivites due to my lack of funds. he replied with well i'm meeting new girl at [bar] will be home later. you can come over if you want. i replied that i am going out with R to other our old roommates restaurant. no hi, no closing, just my name because i dont have the effort anymore. after being insulted all night i can't be bothered. it hurts and i cry a lot but oh well. i feel stronger walkign away now because as much as it hurts me i will hurt worse when they throw me to the side.
God i hope these eating disorder peopel can help me. i lost my insurance card. maybe its free. the depression one was free. maybe they will give me pills to make me happy or find me a doctor to make me sane. ah if it were only that easy.
on a side note why must people keep locking their diaries without a moments notice! maybe its me, cause some won't even give me their passwords [hint hint.] *humph*
9:00 p.m. - 2003-06-20
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