I used to always have this distrust--almost fear- of anti-depressants. i didn't want to take somethignt hat woudl fuck with my brain chemistry, alter it in such a drastic way. i realize though that this is bullshit--i take comfort in getting drunk, high, coked up, shroomed what have you, any chance i get. no the reason i have yet to take anti-dperessants is much more than fear of altered brain activity. it has to do with why i have yet to go to therapy or really do anythign to get myself out of this endless spiral. no its not laziness or even my eternal lack of motivation. i am terribly afraid to lose the only self i know. i have been depressed for my entire life. i have had food issues for as long as i can remember. little 7 year old me going on her diet depserate to be thin. i have had amazing friendships and do important things during my 22 years on this earth.
So what happens when i finally fix myself. the veil of depression lifts. what if that was the only thing that made me interesting? Perhaps the depression has made me more sensisitve to other peoples feelings, has made me fiercly loyal. i am filled with a passion that i never want to lose. i used ot spend hours writing in order to get my feelings out. now i write all types of things. i cant live without my writing. without bulimia what would i do? would anyone care about me anymore if i wasnt broken? i would just be a normal well adjusted girl who has no expectations about anything. i fear becoming flat and lifeless.
but i see all the people who are gettign help for depression and they arent flat or lifeless at all. i read their journals. they are living wonderful lives, with jobs and husbands and weddings and laughter and fun. they are all happpier that i am. they are fascinating too. more interesting than my constant bitching about how im fat and how i hate myself and life and the world and how everyone is so mean to me.
i have laways had this fear of success, like i wouldnt be able to keep it so why have it all. fear of being seen as a fraud. i dread interviews because i dont know what id do if i got a job. i feel i am so unqualified for anything except the most basic work. i feel so unworthy and love or affection which is why i am always alone and pushing people away. i can't keep living like this and finally i realize that i dont want to keep living like this. beautiful things can come out of madness or depression but i am no van gogh or sylvia plath. besides i know that they would have been brilliant in many ways even if they were well adjusted and happy. I want to live up to my favorite sylvia quote:
"I may never be happy, but tonight I am content." Later. I've been reading more journals of people on anti-dperessants. Some say that they arent sad but they can't express any deep emotions. Or think about sad things. Liek being under water. The bad feelings arent gone they are just under the surface, just out of grasp and comprehension. I want to stop being sad not just cover it up. What to do.
12:13 p.m. - 2003-06-19
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