I am this fucking close to losing it. I am losing my safe haven. My fucking apartment due to the freakish and pathetic nature of my coworker. If I could burn his apartment down I would. I hate him so much. I purposely live where no one I know does so i can feel safe. Safe when I buy my b/p food. Safe when I buy my bottles of alcohol. I can walk around like a zombie safely. I hate him. I do. I think I will slash his tires or some nonsense. I want him gone. Whatever it takes.
I suppose it's irrational but really it's not. It's fucked up on his part and damn I only have one week to be safe. I tried being nice and pretending I was OK with it. I'm not and I had to tell him. i wish I'd waited til I was drunk so I could use a bunch of profanities. I hate this shit.
If I moved a mile from him he'd call me crazy. But he does it and moves his girlfriend over here and I guess I'm crazy for minding. I don't care if I'm crazy, at least I'm not an asshole. I wish I was allowed to hurt myself still. Actually who says I'm not. Why exactly am I trying to get better? Nobody gives a shit. I can smoke, starve, b/p, cut, OD whatever and it doesn't matter. My mom would be sad, but fuck her she let my dad try to kill me. She didn't give a shit. whatever bitch. I hate both of them sometimes. My friends are assholes a lot of the time. Not always of course but often enough. I am fat and sad and broke and pathetic. I am single and no one will ever want me. I am stupid and lame and my insides are ruined. I am not even going to be a good baby-making machine. I tried to get help before. years ago and they couldn't help me. No insurance, too old, almost graduating, too fucked up. I am only good for sex now. I have no value as a person. Tonight is the first time in a long time that I was able to rationalize suicide. Not an emotional thing. I truly see I have no reason to be here anymore. Everything, big and small, is going wrong now. I just can't take one more goddamn thing. I want to cut so bad it's making me sick. I need to destroy this thing that is me.
2:22 a.m. - 2011-02-12
Recent entries:
- - 2016-03-14
Still alive - 2016-02-14
- - 2015-11-05
- - 2015-10-02
- - 2015-09-09
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
julymalaise
usb-port
alethia
englishsucks
lisasays
moodswing
fat0free0air
cloudy-night
atwowaydream
silver4
enurta
soon
warpednormal
ecstasia
limes-sugar
hungry-hippo