It hurts the most because I was willing to believe.
I never bought in to the Republican hype that if you work hard enough you can do anything. Bullshit.
But I was raised middle-class. Had a stable home-life until my parent's divorced when I was in college.
Was number 10 in a class of 800 in high school. Went to NYU. Graduated and tried to find a good job.
Found a shit job instead so moved back to Texas (should have gone back to El Paso) where my degree should be impressive. Instead I was punished for being smart and derided for being to bold, "brash," unladylike.
I should have known. I never fit in here in Texas. In high school or now. This is conservative central and I'm the girl who won't even admit I'm straight because I fight so hard for gay rights and it's none of your fucking business. Don't try to stereotype or judge.
I really don't want to be married if my friends can't.
I never should have come back here.
And now I see it. I did everything right (or as right as I could). And my job doesn't even pretend it doesn't discriminate against me. They lie to my face repeatedly. And throw money at me while insulting me as much as possible. My boss gave me a 1.5 out of 3 on my overall performance. A "c" basically or even a "d". and yet you give me a 17% raise? Bullshit. They want to break me and its working. But not in the way they think.
I know I'm a great worker and know the review is bullshit. It's just that I finally realized. Today. That things will never get better. My smarts, my hard work, my un-revolting looks. They mean nothing.
If they can't get you for what you've actually done they will just lie. And who can help me? Who can save me? Who can make me stop crying? Who cries after a $6,000 raise? I'm such an ass. (Trust me I'll take the money though, all they want is my soul.)
I hate it here and I hate I can do nothing to fix it.
Good-bye, Rachel the strong, smart, independent woman. Hello Rachel the Stepford Wife.
7:49 p.m. - 2010-11-19
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