Nothing. No phone call, no text, nothing. I don't think i could feel any stupider, more pathetic and worthless. I can honestly say I don't know what i am going to do anymore.
I suppose I could have texted myself. Why? So I can feel the rejection sooner than later?
I can't take this feeling anymore(!)
I am very fat. I would have been under 160 (160.2 after my shower. I forgot to weigh before hand). I then binged out of nerves and then depression the rest of the weekend. I am 165 after finally taking a shit after like 3 days. So I am not doing well.
The whole weekend I was bloated and my stomach was huger than normal. My hair was awful. My skin was disgusting. I just looked like shit. I had planned to buy new clothes for work and going out but decided not to. Even though I needed them, the clothes would be tied to an unsuccessful weekend if I bought them now. I would forever see the clothes as another sign of failure.
My head hurts, I can't stop crying and my hair is a nightmare.
What I always wonder at times like this, is why make plans with someone or offer them anything if you don't intend to follow through. Once again I asked for nothing. When things are offered I stupidly think I should take them. Or try at least. I wish I knew how to make life stop hurting so much.
I didn't call my dad on fathers day because I can't stand him. He is a bad person and tried to kill me once (just once!) I always can feel his hands around my neck. My mom did nothing (I told her about it afterward). She only left him when she found he was cheating on her. My life meant nothing to her.
I start to think of my godmother who started it all. Cornered me in the basement and told 7 year old me how fat and pregnant I looked. I went on my first crashed diet and she praised me by saying I looked pregnant with a cantaloupe instead of a watermelon now. And so it began. 20+ years of self-loathing and failure. If she saw me now she would laugh at how she was right and how fat I am. How pathetic I am to think anyone would even want to be my friend. Why is everything so hard for me. It's as if the universe is trying to get me to jump. I don't think I was meant to live this long anyway. I really don't.
7:16 a.m. - 2010-06-21
Recent entries:
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Still alive - 2016-02-14
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