The only way I can deal with all of this--the job, my debt, the cheating, the lonliness, the stress, the guilt, my fucked up stomach--is to stop eating, start starving and return to my b/p ways.
Everyone knows it's about the control. What kind of world do we live in that the only thing we can control about our own lives is what we consume and how much. I want the hunger and indifference to life or death to eash over me. I want to disassociate from this plane, this world where all I ever feel is pain.
I have been crying for days now. I am tired of feeling weak and helpless. I am tired of the self-help text book nonsense people spout off to me. Like they know. With their great jobs and happy fulfilled lives and their feelings of love and desire.
I have none of that. The only thing I have is self control. And that seems to slip in and out at times. I guess I'm at a low point in the ebb and flow of bi-polar disorder. The impulsiveness, the promiscuity, the overly emotional feelings of attachment. I need to escape.
10:59 a.m. - 2006-03-22
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