I purged last night and it was glorious. I forgot how good I am at it. I only did I because I was extremely drunk. Due to my drinking alone as always and then inviting a friend over to drink more and watch tv. I did my usual water rinse and baking soda (powder?) rinse as well. I miss it so much. But my teeth are dying. Gums bleed every time I brush or floss or even when I do nothing. I wake up with blood in my mouth. It hurts all the time. If it wasn't for that I never would have stopped. Ever. I dont care about exloding stomachs or esophagus tears. I can't stop eating. I realize there is no in between with me. I either starve or binge. So....
Here again. I am starting anew. Redid my fave diaries page with all the folks I currently read, or hope to read. The people who seem to feel the pain I go through everyday and often express it better than I EVER could. I deleted my link to Fitday. It made me depressed and was counterproductive. Just becasue I record what I eat doesn't mean I am eating any less. Too many 3000 cal days attest to that fact. I need to go back to my roots. Back when I had coffee for breakfast, one small abg of chips and a soda for lunch and b/p-ed my dinner. Minus the B/P of course. I rarely ate at all. I didnt even care. 132. My low weight. I must be at least 165. 5' 10" tall. I will be 125. Thats all that matters. As little food as possible exercise everday. I take inspiration for Yohanna (sp?) who won Americas Top Model after losing 50 pounds. I have never seen this show but she lloks pretty to me. If she can do than i can. Of course that bitch was lucky enough to have a personal trainer.
10 years of bulimia/bulimirexia (dude thats not what its called, is it...?!) I just want to be thin. I can't lose my disordered thinking now, and admit that I wasted 10 years of my life and was never truly thin.
I think I'd rather die.
10:36 p.m. - 2004-03-24
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