i went shoppign today and i can barely squeeze into size 8s which means im really a 10 wheich means iw ent up 2 fuckign sizes. i am obese. i cant stand being in this body. i dont know how it happened. why did i let myself become this way. honestly i think ( i KNOW) its becasue i stopped purging.
it was worth it though. i havent really purged liek b and p purging in months. ive binged and binged but i think thats finally over now too. i am learnign to control myself. im back on fitday and im exercicing a bit. i need to lose 25 pounds. then i will be 135 which is my lowest set point and where i feel most comfortable. thursday night is this big party called pop rocks which had stoped for a while, and where i am infamous. i am so fat now the gay boys wont love me anymore. i wonder how much i can lose by thursday. i really only expect to lose face fat. the stomach will be here for months.
i dreamt i tried to kill myself. i took a bottle of aspirin. it was so realistic. they gave me pills/charocoal and said if i threw up my stomach might burst due tot he bulimia. then i woudl bleed to death due to the aspirin thinning my blood. i dont even know if i lived in the dream. iw oke up shaken.
5:59 p.m. - 2004-02-29
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