i started bleeding today. i dont know what to think. the pain inside is worse. i feel like som kind of stomach area cramping.
its funny how i prayed to bleed all last week, hoping for my period so this nightmare would be over. now that i know im pregnant the bleeding is troubling to say the least. a part of me is dying as i sit here and there is nothign i can do. even if i wanted this baby it would be too late because all the shit i dis before, is now killing him.
i must stop smoking and purging and spending money. im so poor and unhealthy and sad.
its funny how some people talk about how ugly and fat they feel and then turn around and say how much hotter they are than someone else. its odd how humans work. i dont usually think i am hotter than other people, mainly because i can vary in range of attractiveness from day to day and i can understand that people have different tastes. sure i may think im more attractive than the plump short blonde girl next to me, but to a guy who loves short blonde girls with big tits, then she is five times hotter than me. even if i was naomi cambpell he'd still think she was hotter than me, because thats his type. does that make me suck? nope. its called an opinion, i can get over it.
i dislike myself based on me alone. everyone artound me thinks i am thin or at leats average. no one thinks im fat but me. only me. i think everyone around me is beautiful is some way unless they are mean and nasty. then they are ugly hag-monsters.
people get too caught up in comparing themselves. people have so many different physical traits that its like comparing apples, to oranges to pears to tricycles. "gee i suck because my tan will never be as good as that black girl's" (note the sarcasm, and i'm black so trust me ive heard weird shit like this before in real life) and besides, even if you are "hotter" you could be more boring and much stupider than the "guly" person next to you, so you arent much of a catch, are you? it just sucks cause i know people have looked at me and said the same shit "oh im hotter than her. she has no boobs and has short crappy hair. shes not blonde and awesome like me" fuck you bitch. its all a sign of insecurity plain andd simple and it comes off as petty and conceited.
sorry if that was bitchy, but this whole pregancy thing is making me quite emotional. saturday is the big abortion day. i opted to go with the abortion pill cause i dont want surgery. and if it doesnt work (5% failure rate) i get a free surgical procedure (.5% failure rate). wow a 2 for one deal. strangely i dont feel that pleased (rme)
8:33 p.m. - 2004-01-15
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