I almost feel sad but I don't want to so I am trying to stop. At the end of the day no one here really cares about me (this is not a pity party, I have plenty of real friends in other cities, just not here) so why should I feel bad leaving them? I have worked so hard for so long and been taken advantage of and used. I shouldn't feel bad that they now have to stand on their own two feet.
I worked out today and it was great! I feel like I am building a base to build upon when I am in NYC. I have good muscle strength and tone now but I have too much fat. I get to use the awesome school gym so that makes me VERY happy. Plus, I always eat less and healthier in NY and I walk around more so that will take care of that. The food in Texas is full of fat and preservatives and high fructose everything and motherfucking lard!!! Seriously, lard! Ugh gross. It will be easier to be a vegetarian (13 years already!) and eat tasty AND healthy foods. Here I eat cheese, friend, cheese and ranch with cheese haha.
These days I feel like I can accomplish so much more than I could before. I am smarter, more mature, more experienced and less afraid. I know more tricks of the trade and I am much more cynical, which is a good thing for me. I was too wide-eyed. I don't cry so much anymore. It's a waste of time. I get sad of course, but I don't have time to sob and do all that. If things go wrong...actually WHEN things go wrong (they always do) I have plans B-Z in my pocket. Plan Z is always Call mom and beg for money hahaha. I don't feel so overwhelmed anymore.
I work hard and work on my credit and savings and I have been to hell and back. I'm not breaking down again.
So my plan for my first semester is to only work like 10-15, maybe 20 hours a week so I can get used to being back in the city again and make sure I get good grades. I can try to do some freelance or tutoring, editing work when I have time. I also do online surveys for a little (very little haha) extra cash. I can't expect myself to dive into a new area (never lived in BK before), starting a much harder school and trying to figure out how to move around, plus a full-time or close to full-time job. Not gonna happen. Plus I want to work on my web skills so I can actually get one of those good developer/designer jobs.
1:21 p.m. - 2011-08-24
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