Another lovely day. I am working hard to see each day as a blessing and everything I do as a privilege. I could easily be poor or homeless or abused but instead I am healthy and have a home and a good job. I am educated and have the chance to become even more so. I am working hard to be mentally stable and financially responsible. I am working hard to love myself and my body and my life.
I have actually been feeling attractive, or even sexy recently. What the hell is that? I think the exercise is helping me become in tune with my physical body and becoming stronger gives me more control over my sexuality. I think I look better too. The numbers are slowly creeping down in a totally normal and regular way. A pound a week. A few ounces a day. But the muscle I am seeing and the lessening of the fat makes me happy. I look more toned and I am stronger. I can do push-ups and sit-ups and I don't feel as tired. I have less of a desire to smoke or eat bad foods. I still love to drink but I only do that Friday night and Saturday.
I realized that throughout my life I have always given myself less than 100%. Maybe 50% on average. I feel like if I don't try hard then when I fail I have an out. The thought of giving my all and still failing is just heart-wrenching. Then what do I have left? If I try to eat healthy and work out and do everything right and i am still flabby or fat, what does that mean? I am stuck that way forever. I have no recourse, I am an admitted and proven failure. I could never stand the thought of that. The thought of not being good enough, of not being the best. If I don't try then my "failures" don't count. I failed because I didn't give it my all. better to be lazy than an actual loser. But by doing this I am preventing myself from succeeding as well. Whenever i get close, like when I would get close to being in shape, I would back off because what if I really couldn't do it? Or when I first went to NYC, I didn't try my hardest in class or to find a job and I gave up and moved back here.
But I guess something changed because I have been giving my all. In school I have a 3.94 GPA, not perfect but pretty damn good, at work I do my best and if that's not good enough I can rationalize it that someone else was cheaper or geographically closer or whatever. We are good at making excuses here haha. Physically I have finally let myself realize I will never be 125 pounds or have big boobs or stick thin legs. And I don't want that anymore. I always loved Britney Spears (laugh if you want, I don't care) and I think she looks awesome because she has always been muscular and toned, never skin and bones. I will not back away from potential success in life and love and happiness. Potential failure is scary but it doesn't make me a bad person, I learn from failing. And the glorious feelings that success will bring me is worth the pain of potential defeat.
10:13 a.m. - 2011-06-23
Recent entries:
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