This is absolutely the time when i would start to go off the rails. I had a terrible, just awful day at work yesterday so I came home and drank and then smoked a cigarette or too and then thought about binging because I was so hungry and then purging because I had so many calories. Instead I just accepted what I had eaten (not even that much) and that I drank before I wanted to and went ot bed. My sleep was disturbed because of the alcohol and the fact I needed to wake up early to go get my BC so I woke up too tired to work out and feel so pathetic. Seriously felt like saying fuck it all this sacrifice isn't working. I am still flabby and out of shape and tired and I don't have fun anymore.
But I thought about it as I showered and am getting ready to leave and I see that I can still workout tonight (won't be as much) and that I need to focus on all the progress I have made. And since I drank last night I just won't on Thursday, which is better anyway so I won't be drinking three days in a row. And I'll just work out harder on Sunday and make today my rest day. It's good to change things up a bit.
I don't need to wallow and drown myself in alcohol and food and cry. My coworker has left at like 12 or 1 PM the past 2 days. She never has to work and it makes me sick. Again I have to work with her on a project and she isn't doing shit. And I'm sure the shit she turns in will be considered perfect or my boss will fix it. Today is a new day and I will not beat myself up over past failures. And my "failures" are so much smaller and less harmful than they used to be. I used to do coke for days straight and get cash advances to buy more. I used to smoke a pack a day and drink and stay up all night and go to work hungover, without sleep and disgusting. No more of that.
And while I may still have stubborn fat I have gained some nice muscle and I do feel better about myself. It's the stress that ruins me so I need to work on that.
I am fucking tired though. More coffee I think.
Went to the PP for my birth control and I was in and out in like 5 minutes. I didn't even have to sit down! I ended up getting to work 15 minutes early, which gave me time to print out a bunch of letters requesting scholarship information (for some reason not all are online). I even started filling some out. I also figured out how to speed up my computer (Just ran the damn scandisk twice and it fixed the errors) I also turned off some system related things designed to make the appearance nicer but which actually seriously slow down the computer. We had the IT guy over here twice and he didn't do jack.
It's gonna be 100 degrees today and I am at work with my heater on because I am freezing here in the basement. Awesome!
Applied for a job at NYU, which I won't get but it's good to start looking, yay!
Have gotten a lot of work done. My computer is working so much better right now.
YAY the proposal we sent that didn't get to the City on-time has been accepted after all. I was so sad yesterday but now I am happy! And I applied for three jobs today in NYC even though I am not moving there for months. I want to at least get my name out there.
7:39 a.m. - 2011-05-25
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