I think people can tell something is different around me. My head is held a little higher. I stand straighter, I don't flinch when they talk to me. I have an air of self-confidence that had been lacking in me for a long time. Honestly going back to school first started this trend. And now the closer I get to leaving this town, the better I feel. I don't feel that I need them, not my coworkers, not my "friends", no one. If I talk to them it's because I want to, not because I feel scared or helpless without them. I am strong on my own.
They can feel me pulling away so they fight harder to get my attention, try to guilt me or flirt with me to make me fall into their traps again. I have no need for it. I am tired of feeling guilty for being myself. For doing well for myself. For going to school or earning a living or attracting a guy or making new friends. Sick of it. It's been the story of my life, beaten down by those who "love" me when they think I am getting a little too happy or might outgrow them. I'd rather be alone then be dragged down again.
I realize that the only way I will succeed is by pushing myself. I have to push when I workout, when doing school work, to stop smoking, etc. It's not easy and its not painless. I should not fear pain because I will hurt either way, either due to the hard work I put in, or due to the fact that my apathy hurts me in the end. So pain for a positive instead pain from a negative.
Ugh my nails look terrible right now. I need to get some kind of strengthening polish or something.
11:22 a.m. - 2011-05-23
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