Goddamn I am a fucking mess. This is nothing new, just an observation. It's my messiness that ties people too me I think. On the surface I should be one of those annoying people you hate. I went to an excellent school and have a decent job, I have a nice apartment, I have been told I am attractive, I am very smart, I have a family that spoils me. But in reality I am fucking nuts. I can barely get out of bed most days, I drink too much, I can barely get dressed (today my clothes have random stains on them that I didn't notice before I left the house even though I checked. This happens a lot). I overindulge in food, alcohol, drugs. My family is fucked up. I cry every day.
People can't get enough. It's that whole "beautiful disaster" thing (who's diary had that in it...can't recall)
It reminds me of one of my new favorite shows, The New Adventures of Old Christine. I watch that show every day on Lifetime and then on channels 7 and 18 (that means nothing to you guys but I don't know the station names. I think one is WGN...?) Anyway she is a mess like me: drinks too much, overshares, is lazy and messy and ridiculous. And people love her for it. She gets to sate Blair Underwood. Hello! So fucking hot. I tend to run into things and fall down a lot too. Whether sober or drunk. It is what it is. It's part of my charm I suppose.
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Instead of making lots of updates, I'll just keep editing my post. Easier that way and less annoying for anyone who may read this.
I am sad because my coworker is being mean to me again. AGAIN seriously. Ignoring me in the halls and ignoring my emails. What an asshole. I can't even deal with this shit but I am so pathetic for acceptance I keep reaching out. I just want to stay home and drink all day. But I worry about brain damage. But I want to die so maybe my liver will fail first.
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It's very hard not to give someone attention even the negative kind. It's what some people crave so they treat you like shit and eagerly await your anger towards them. They still have the upper hand. Must ignore. No angry faces or snide remarks or sad faces or scowls. Nothing but calm and smooth sailing.
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Oh my god my stomach hurts so bad I am crying right now. The fucking fibroids cause abdominal pain and it scares me. It hurts so much I can't move sometimes.
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I like this continual editing. My posts are extra secret now because no one is going to go back and re-read the same entry like 10 times. I feel safer now.
I drank 3 shots and walked 2 miles to and from the store. Getting new passport pics taken in the mean time. I bought school supplies, which I desperately needed especially since I have an additional class starting on March 8.
My abdomen still hurts. This is the worst it's ever been. Walking helped. the exercise released endorphins. I am drinking more and binging. But not too badly. Just need the pain to stop. It's terrifying.
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It hurts so bad I am in mid b/p. My stomach pain is just too fucking much. All I ever wanted was to have kids and now I can't even walk upright. Why have I fought to stay alive so long? Suicide would have been smarter.
10:36 a.m. - 2011-02-24
Recent entries:
- - 2016-03-14
Still alive - 2016-02-14
- - 2015-11-05
- - 2015-10-02
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