I wonder if I need to stop updating so much. Every 2 hours is ridiculous I'm sure. But I love to write and it clears my head.
I brought food to work today to try to keep myself from binging like crazy now that I stopped smoking (for the most part.) I brought yogurt (from May 2010! but it still smells OK. Gross I know but I've done it before), fruit, pasta with veg chicken, broccoli and corn, and pretzels. I have been drinking lots of water too. I have class tonight so I need a lot of food to carry me through 9:30 PM tonight. For once I'm not starving at it's already 1:30 and I haven't eaten everything yet! Go me.
It would be hilarious if I lose weight from not smoking. I lost weight after going on birth control so obviously my body is insane. Cigarettes supposedly add to stomach fat so we'll see if that is true. Every day I try to see some kind of progress so I can keep going. Whether it's increased flexibility, more muscle, less weight, lower fat %, or even increased ease of breathing. Today I saw that I can spread my legs wider when stretching (yeah that doesn't sounded whorish at all hahahaha) My skin also looks better from increased water intake and fewer cigarettes. Even my face looks thinner which is weird because I b/ped and drank two bottles of wine this weekend. And I'm not dehydrated according to my scale. 56% water.
I should go to the library tonight on campus. I need new books and I can't afford to buy any right now.
____
I decided that I can't see my upcoming move back to NYC as a cure-all for my ills. I need to solve my problems now so I don't take them with me. And so I don't see New York as fixing everything. I did that when I moved to San An. I thought I'd be happier, stop doing drugs, be healthier, meet guys, just because I moved down here. Not true. I am now working on those things consciously, not relying on geography or luck to fix myself. I can't be passive anymore. I need to be active and aggressive with fixing myself. And I can't rely on my friends to help me or support me. They can barely take care of themselves and they demand that I take care of them. It makes me angry a lot of the times. They expect me to give them money and support without even asking me or deserving it. Then they waste MY money on partying and complain that they can't pay their bills. When I was hardcore partying I NEVER borrowed money. I maxed out my cards, took out pay day loans, didn't pay bills, whatever. I didn't take my friends hard-earned money and blow it on partying. They do that shit to me. And get me to buy drugs so they can party with them. So I'm done completely.
I guess I really did have to learn the hard way.
And my coworker still isn't talking to me since I don't smoke with him any more. Not even a mad type of not talking. Just that I do not exist anymore now that I don't give him cigarettes or anything. And he sits there coughing all day and thinks that I am lame for quitting. I am also lame for going to grad school, saving money and not smoking weed all day. I think i like my new lameness, thank you. Funny how the little things show you how little you meant to someone else. I wonder how many real friends I actually have? Does it matter? In the end we all die and I'm not taking my friends with me. So whatever, I love for myself.
1:29 p.m. - 2011-01-24
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