144. Still a bloated mess.
Did NOT purge last night even though I binged. I feel better about myself because of that.
I also worked out a bit. For like 15-20 minutes. Only toning exercises but still. i feel sore and happier.
Today I came to the sad, but inevitable, realization that no one at my job likes me. I know it's obvious from all the bitching I've been doing the past few months but still...it makes me sad and teary and feel lame. Like I actually like(d?) some of the people I work with. Like if they were in trouble I would honestly help them and I don't go around talking shit about them (besides in here of course!) I'm loyal to a fault I suppose. This is supposed to be the year where I stop trusting people to my own detriment. So I think I finally opened my eyes.
And yet, even though I'm sad. Even though...I don't feel that bad. Like (why do I keep saying like! I swear that was a resolution 5 years ago to stop that shit and it obviously didn't take haha) I know deep down inside that it is their loss. I would love to have a friend like me. I know I'm crazy and jealous and insane (haha double crazy) but I am loyal and protective and funny and fun. I'm smart and I seem to make people feel better about themselves. otherwise why would I have like 3 or 4 BFFs in different cities. Why would my good friends my NYC still talk to me 6 years after I moved? Why would they fly across the country to see me repeatedly? Why would they beg me to come back to this day until I broke down and said I'd do it?
People tell me anything and everything and I don't judge or rat them out or make them feel stupid.
But yet here I am.
I told my coworker about the shit that's been going down just as a warning and a preemptive strike against them if they try to blame me for starting shit with him. And he said he thought my boss was worried I'd take her job. What? How weird and not something that EVER would have occurred to me. I don't want her job. I've only been here a year next week and I know nothing. I do think they start shit because I won't genuflect to them. I;m not rude, I just do my job, smile and try to mind my own business. But I do have confidence in some of my skills. they KNOW they can't do the web stuff I do. They don't even try to learn. They can't do the accessibility stuff either. They know I'm smart and I go to school and try to better myself. Shit if they knew I was in fucking MENSA they'd probably beat me up haha.
But that's they thing. I don't brag about these things I'm real life. that's what my diary is for. I actually try to play down my intelligence and drive to succeed because it is NOT a good thing around here. People get angry for whatever reason.
I recall telling my coworker I inspired my mom to go back to school too (I did she told me) to get her MBA. I'm so proud of her and he laughed at me. Or her. Either way it was a prick move and it sickens me that working hard and wanting to better yourself is something to be derided.
I can't let people keep holding me back. My good friends, my REAL friends are happy when I succeed. They care about me completely. They brag about me to their other friends (as I do about them!)
Damn I am surrounded by a few wonderful friend-flowers in a world of enemy-weeds.
2:28 p.m. - 2011-01-07
Recent entries:
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