143 (still dammit)
I realized as I was doing my 30-day shred workout this morning that a lot of the stomach area that I thought was fat is actually loose skin. Fucking nasty but it explains why I haven't seen any progress in the stomach area. I realized this after having watching "I lost 100 pounds" this weekend and seeing how their stomachs looked after the dramatic weight loss. The skin didn't have anything underneath it so it just hung and wrinkled. My stomach was doing the same thing today. Not nearly as severe but enough to know that it isn't fat underneath there, just more skin. Gross.
I mean I haven't lose 100 pounds but I have lost 50 pounds since February. And I didn't lose it the healthiest way (obviously) but I didn't even work out a lot to keep some kind of muscle tone under the fat and skin. I starved, purged, did drugs, smoked and basically forced myself to become skinny again. It worked in that I lost the weight and I am now skinnier than I was in college. But I look worse because I'm not lean and the smallest fuck up (like this weekend) can slow or halt my weight loss for weeks.
I knew this beforehand. It's not like I just discovered that. But I was seduced by the falling numbers on the scale so I didn't try to make myself be smarter about the whole thing.
I now am making myself eat breakfast and am working out every day again. I think lean muscle is so sexy. I like how it looks and my body builds and holds muscle well so I am eager to get it back. I do need to figure out what to do about this loose stomach skin. I am using skin firming lotion and I think slowing my weight loss and focusing on toning will give the skin time to snap back in to place. Or I'll just get another loan so I can get a tummy tuck. Whatever.
In other non-nasty news, I have a paper due tomorrow that I haven't started. Well I have notes and parts of it written down but I haven't set anything to the computer. Staring at a blinking cursor on the screen makes me want to scream.
I hope Omar comes tonight. I need sex and since he is in grad school too (studying for 2 masters) I can have some stimulating conversation while we recover. Otherwise I have to wait until the morning. I doubt I am going to want to get up early on my birthday (which is tomorrow, yay!)
8:38 a.m. - 2010-10-06
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