Blah. I haven't eaten all day. Very proud of myself I guess. Actually not. I kind of don�t care. My mind is on another plane. I got my learner's permit today. One step closer to actually acting like a real 24 year old. Now if I can ever have the balls to get behind the wheel. Completely mindfucked over what to do with myself. Half-assing it at work. Torn between my love and what I am forced to do. I am broke all the time. I want to quit and run away again. Maybe California but preferably back to New York. Of course the current object of my affection works with me, which just keeps me coming back. Why am I Lusting after guys who have girlfriends? Because I know I'll never be with them? Because I like a challenge? Because I�m a stupid whore? I make a fool out of myself for no reason. Stupid guy at work that isn�t that great but I love love love him. I also trip in front of and spit on myself in front of and act like a silly 6 year old in front of him. Its hard to behave when your head is in the clouds all the time. I dream about him. Its ridiculous. Big fat *Sigh* to him and his ugly but large breasted girlfriend that he love love loves. I wonder if I even care if he knows I like him. It's too much effort to care. I think he does know and it makes him slightly uncomfortable and feel slightly flattered. His relationship is solid so what does he care. I swear he flirts with me to keep me hanging around like a puppy dog. Today I offered to do some work for him that I don�t even know how to do! I am a fucking moron. But I want to impress him. I want him to wake up and say �Gee, that freak at work is kind of awesome. Even though I love my large-breasted girlfriend, I must make her mine.� Part of me loves the awkwardness of it all. I live for uncomfortable situations. The prickliness of it all makes me feel alive. I hate floating through life on an even keel. I refuse to feel embarrassed anymore. With all the stupid shit I do there are not enough hours in the day to feel ashamed. I am paranoid to a fault. My worrying makes shit happen. I must stop caring completely. And yet I am a real woman and I have feelings and I show them sometimes. Whether I feel anger or lust or fear or sadness. I am smart and funny and crazy and scared. I feel the need to jump into things head first from now on. career, love life. I only have a few years left. the bulimia and the drugs and drinking and smoking will not let me live past 50. I want to be in love and travel and be a writer and FBI agent and then die a peaceful death. Why can�t these motherfuckers get with the program and make my plans happen?! God I like this guy so much it�s stoopid. Krazie stoopid. We laugh so much together and we like the same things and I think he�s adorable and I�m an idiot became HELLO! HELL-the fuck-O! He has a motherfucking girlfriend. He keeps pictures of her everywhere. They go on trips. Like road trips. Like just-the-two-of-them road trips. Just like real couples do. I�ve seen pictures of his latest trip to _____. They look so happy. They talk all the time, and he tells her he loves her ,and it kills me because it�s not me. It makes me want to puke. I go by his desk to talk to him every day. I make it a point. A big motherfucking point. Even though he doesn�t like me like that he won�t get rid of me because he is polite. Or a sadist. I make him give me rides home. I made him let me see his apartment yesterday. I made him show me videos of the TV show he does. I looked through his stuff and made mental notes. My god I sound like a fucking stalker. Oh My God, I am a fucking stalker! I live in the same apartment complex as him now. Like right across the way. Our balconies face each other. (But I can�t see anything) But it wasn�t on purpose! Well maybe it was a tiny bit on purpose, cause I picked the place before I knew he lived here but then knowing he lived here sealed the deal. I didn�t pick the building or anything. I can;t believe I signed a 13 month lease because I have a crush on some loser at work. I threw up in my mouth just typing that. That is so fucking lame and 5th grade. But at least the apartments are tight as hell. I think he likes my friend at work if he likes anyone besides his little pumpkin. Everyone likes her because she is pretty and flinty. I am pretty but very tall and intimidating and I don�t flirt cause its dumb. He told her that his girlfriend isn�t his fianc�. And that he doesn�t want t said girlfriend to move in. He emails co-worker funny little messages and goes over to talk to her. (Although he did email me after I went to talk to him and he was busy so I left so I wouldn�t be too stalkery and he emailed me �hello� and �sorry I was on the phone!� Yes I am that stupid to think that was wonderful.) I must be dense. Co-worker/friend asked him to lunch with us (for me...?), but I wasn�t there and he didn�t go, but now what if he thinks she likes him, and what if she does and he does....and fuck fuck fuck, what the fuck am I rambling about? Of course he would like her over me, she isn�t fucking nuts! She isn�t fierce and tough and brazen and abrassive and agro and wild. She is sweet and girly and giggly and not me at all. Like a normal real girl. I am the Chyna to her Stephanie McMahon. And yes we both love wrestling. That is what his main interest, as a promoter. Did I mention how much we have in common? He is so driven. He has his own business (promoting and a wrestling gym) and he loves his job and he is all mature and shit. He doesn�t get drunk during the day and run around barefoot like me. He doesn�t smoke and cause trouble like me. He doesn�t sass talk our bosses and talk shit and make fun of people like me. He doesn�t even seem to cuss or get mad. I think he thinks I�m fucking crazy, which I am. I bet when he laughs with me it�s secretly at me and he thinks I�m a loser. I should just stop talking to him and stop being a fucking psycho freak stalker asshat. But, I can�t help liking him. And when I get hurt, which I can already feel coming, I will cry like I always do, and pick up the pieces like I always do, and put myself together as best I can. But each time I miss a few pieces, though and become a flimsy shell of my former self.
8:54 p.m. - 2005-07-21
Recent entries:
- - 2016-03-14
Still alive - 2016-02-14
- - 2015-11-05
- - 2015-10-02
- - 2015-09-09
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
julymalaise
usb-port
alethia
englishsucks
lisasays
moodswing
fat0free0air
cloudy-night
atwowaydream
silver4
enurta
soon
warpednormal
ecstasia
limes-sugar
hungry-hippo