141 this morning. Finally getting closer. I fasted for 22 hours. I know thats lame but I had to go to the store wiht my roommate and she bought frozen pizzas for us. So I had about 500 cals for the day.
I am feeling very manic. I'm sleeping 4 hours a day and I can't make my mind stop racing and I can't nap and I am becoming sluttier and crazier and wilder and I just can't stop. Its made me less hungry and the lack of food is making me more manic. Its a fascinating spiral. All I want to do is drink and smoke and fuck and get fucked up.
That gay-ish dude (R) didn't come over yesterday. I think by now I don't care. I usually stop feeling all gushy/enraged at a person I've slept wit after 48 hours. I am good at calming myself down and forgetting about these people. I don't want to seem rude but I don't want him telling people or thinking that I'm falling for him. With my current mental state thats impossible anyway. I actually would like ot be friend with him cause one of my fave things is to have friends that I have a crush on. It makes me miserable and its extremely awkward which means its fabulous. I LOVE awkward situations beause they make me itchy and I feel like I'm alive. My heart races and I sweat and I can't get comfortable inside my body. It makes me think of ways to fix the mess I made. It seems hard to be friends with a guy you had sex with but I can try. Too bad that he is also extremely stupid. HE said his 4 year old daughter is his best friend. Not only wasn't he kidding, I think that she might be smarter than him. I need to kill some more brain cells.
10:13 a.m. - 2004-09-21
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