screwed up again. i got money so iw as like ok ill buy a bottle to repay my friend for buying me all thsi shit last weekend. and i bought him and myself a drink at a bar and repayed them for my movie ticket and bought nachos for myself and a soda for all of us. I wrote a check for my flight home and planned to (and did) spend the rest on myfriends b-day gift. I wrote it all down and planned it out perfectly and everything was fine. I call the bank this morning (while ditching work, I felt like shit, not hungover but tired and achy and nasty.) and it turns out i was charged for some shit in canada that i never bought at a "misc food store" could this be the same food store that i was already charged at? the one with the almost identical cost? For soem reason the charge is pending because it sbeing held perhaps for review since its wrong dammit! But even though the company doesnt ahve the money niether do I. So I am fucked. 23$ gone so now oncew again I am in danger of bouncing checks. My mom just gave me 1200 bucks to repay that jackass of a roommate (i owed him 1050 and used the rest for me). i called my dad and told him what happened but he hasnt replied. Greeeeaaaaat. so now what do i do? i had to send in the check for my flight today cause i made the reservation yesterday and had to mail in my voucher and a check for the balance within 24 hours. Its my own fault really. If I hadnt been so irresponsible in the past I would have plenty of money in my account even though I make 1136 a month and my rent is 1000 and i was paying my roommate 100 each mnth and my bills are 75-100 and groceries are 50-75 and transportation is 80....fuuuuuck i have been crying all day. why does this shit keep happening? i am ruinning my mothers life by spending all her money and being a big failure. 120000 for school (savings plus loans she is repaying) and the best job i find is 18500 a year. i am pathetic and she deserves so much better than me. she deserves a daughter she can brag about not one that is ruining her and sending her to an early grave because of worry and financial ruin. i hate myself os much God I wish I was dead right now. Right this very second. She could take the life insurance and pay back all the shit Ive done. I have life insurnace on myself and she has some on me too. Dhe could live a beautiful life with my brother and our cat and finally be free of this piece of shit daughter she has. I love her so much so why cant I treat her right?
9:53 p.m. - 2003-11-06
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