I find it fascinating that people actually believe me when I say I'm not upset with them. They question me about my icy glares or unbareable silence and I feed them a few comforting lines. "Its not you its the situation." I'm going though a bad tinme right now." Blah blah blah. And its true in reality but for me its the person I loathe not the situation or the shit in my life that makes me so angry towards everyone. I see their looks of relief, they seems so happy tht I'm nto angry. I cant fathom why they care. I dont care about having friends right now. I feel empty and alone and I feel my life should reflect that. My friends are good people and I am bad. But yet they care anyway and try to make me happy and not sad, mad, closing door in face bitchy.
I didnt purge today. I binged and wouldnt let myself purge. Feel fat but resolved to stop purging for as long as I can, and as a result stop binging. Now I know the consequences, so unless I want to be obeser I must stop. Didnt purge yesterday either. Thats 2 whole days now. Very pleased.
Lots of fun coke times last night. 3 hours of sleep, maybe 4? I love coke so much. If it was cheaper I would do it all the time. I miss it already.
Mania/slash hypomania is coming. I think its the seasons that affect me more than the chemeicals in my brain. I have been more focused and have been doing well with less sleep. I was tired for like 30 minutes today and the rest of the time I was running around busy as a bee at work. I am taking care of responsiblities (in my special rachel way that invloves asking mom and dad for dough) but its a start.
My birthday is nexy month. The 7th. I tunr 23. Im actually excited. I dont feel old anymore, I like the sound fo 23. 3 is a lovely number and I miss it.
Now a shot of salvaged alcohol-empty bottles are never truly empty-and a sleeping pill and all is well. I'm fading in and out now. a bit shaky, closed eyelids, resting. Good night.
10:03 p.m. - 2003-09-10
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