Here's an e-mail exchange with this guy I met last Saturday. I like him a lot but he can see to deeply into my neroses, so I had to tell him exactly what my problems are:

________________________________________

All right be prepared for a rather lengthy e-mail.

What happened to you that caused you
to be guarded... What bad shit went
down?

What happened to me to make me this way. Well these are subjects that I never discuss so I suppose there is a first time for everything.
I was adopted when I was 6 weeks old and I suppose a part of me has always felt abandoned by the parents I never knew. But I love my parents very much so that is a good thing.

My god-mother used to tell me every single day how fat I was when I was 7 and 8 years old. She loved to tell me how pregnant I looked. When I went on my first diet(at age 8) she told me that I only looked pregnant with a cantaloupe and not a watermelon anymore. I found out years later that she was a raging alcoholic whose husband was cheating on her. Of course for me that lead to 18 years of eating issues and disorders that I struggle to control. It is a huge part of my life, so hearing that I am too thin is a lie to me. i hate the way I look and think I am disgusting. The only thing I like about myself is my intelligence so when you so quickly dismiss the things I think or feel as being wrong even in a facetious manner it hurts more than you know.

When I was about 13 or 14 I was in one of my dramatic stages and I yelled that my parents didn't love me and ran down the stairs. I was very proud of myself for being so dramatic. My father (who is about 6 4 and 250 pounds) chased after me and knocked me down. He sat on my chest and chocked me until i though I would die. I finally beat him off of me. I had the guts to tell me mom and she didn't believe me. She chose him over me. my neck was sore for a week. It was a pattern with her. She placed me with a babysitter who locked us in a room all day while she ran errands. My friend and I found the key and roamed the house after she left. It was exciting, as fucked up as it was. Of course I never told my mother until later. I didn't want to be a burden and I knew she wouldn't believe me anyway.

Years later my mom finds out my dad is cheating on her after 24 years of marriage and divorces him. So cheating on her is wrong but trying to kill your daughter is cool? OK mom whatever. Suddenly she also believes me, 10 years too late.

I struggle with the fact that I feel like a failure. I am too fat, too poor, too stupid. My mom helped pay for me to go to NYU and I had to move back to Texas and take money from her after her sacrifices. I feel like they made a mistake in picking me. I have to try harder I guess. I want to succeed and make life easier for both of them.
I am very uncomfortable in my own skin. When you say all these things to me about sexual things you want to do it freaks me out. Why would you want to touch me? Ugh I feel gross. I can't even have sex when I am sober most of the time. I don't feel right.
I have a history of addictions, food, drugs, alcohol. Sometimes I hurt myself if I am feeling especially sad.

So that's it in a nutshell. I am a very fucked up person who is working hard to over come my issues. I don't think any of the things that happened to me in the past make me who I am. I don't think they influence me either but I guess they do hence the history lesson. I don't talk about these things because I want people to like me. But I guess I have fucked ups o much with you it doesn't matter anymore.

As far as your other questions:

Do you have a particular deity you
worship?
I worship Diana, the Moon Goddess. I believe 100% in her. I talk to her as if she was my friend. I feel she protects me. She makes me feel stronger. I don't do a lot of rituals, mainly chants. I believe in the power of words above all else which is why I am a writer and an avid reader.

When will we be naked in the woods
by a bonfire on a full moon?

I don't do any kind of worship with other people around. And I have discussed the whole body image thing, so that will not be happening anytime soon.

No stone altar under the stars?

No just a book of spells and a few candles. I feel my connection with Her is very strong even with my limited tools.

So that is that. It was rather liberating to write that, but in truth it all seems so petty seeing it on the screen like this. People have been through a lot worse than me and are doing a lot better. I need to just toughen up which I am working on. And none of my shit is a reason to be mean to people like you. I am sorry. I must admit a part of me is thinking that reading this will make you stay away form em which another part of me wants. i don't like being open with people. I hate being judged. I hate being abandoned so I would rather leave first.

I think you are an amazing person and I am happy to have met you. At the very least you are getting me to face some of my demons. Thank you.

Rachel
- Show quoted text -

_______________________________________

It feels good to finally be honest.